This is Way Too Long and I’ve Said Most of it Before.

I’m a relatively happy person.

I really am.

That said, there’s just a few things that make me a certain KIND of happy.

By which I mean things that really….get me. Things that make everything else better.

It’s not like there’s only a few things I like in life and everything else sucks. Not that at all. Rather, most things, if they don’t MAKE ME happy, they at least don’t make me UNhappy. Neutral, you know? I don’t generally going around saying “screw this, and that sucks, and I hate everything.”

Even so, I think everyone has those few things – or maybe quite a few, or maybe just one – that they think of when someone asks what makes them happy.

Sure, you might like sanderlings, hammerheads,  and seashells, but instead of marine biology, you might really LOVE gardening.

Or health might be an interest, but your real passion is astrology.

Or maybe you just like going to the movies.

Everybody has a thing or two, hm? [Or a few, or just one.]

Me, for instance, I like art. I’m not really picky as to what kind. This week I’ve been doing little besides painting, but I go through spurts where I hardly put my camera down, others when I get callouses  on my hands from making so much jewelry, and others still where I’m just doing everything at once.

Which, really, is my problem.

All of this is on my mind because I’m 18, I have no real specific clue what I want to do, and it seems everyone [‘seems’. It’s not really everyone, but it feels that way] around me insists there has to be something I want to do, or that I should figure it out.

Which, I suppose, is kind of what everyone hears at this point. Generally speaking.

I, in the meantime, have gotten content with the idea of working anywhere I can find – even if I hate the job or it’s awful. And that’s kind of sad. Not because it’s a bad way to live if you’re happy like that – I know plenty of people not doing their ‘dream job’ who live plenty happy lives. It’s not like happiness boils down solely to how you make money. But a job IS a big part of your life, for most people, so why bother doing something you hate if you can do something you genuinely like?

Which brings us back to my problem.

There are generally two kinds of people at my age: Those who have a good idea what they want to do [whether they wind up doing it or not is besides the point], and those who have no clue.

I fall somewhere in the middle.

I know what I like, what I’m interested in, what I’d be willing to learn more about. That’s an upside.

The downside is the fact I can’t logically make myself believe it’s worth it.

Which is also kind of sad, when you have my mentality. Because I’ve always been the kind of person who tells other people to stop whining and do something about it if they love something or they’re good at it, and ‘logic’ wasn’t really part of my vocabulary when it came to matters like this. Yet here I am, listening to people tell me it’s better to do something you can get rich at. Listening to the world in general talk about how hard it is doing what you WANT. Listening to myself say I’m not and never will be good enough and that it would be wasted time and effort to even consider it, let alone try.

On top of that, I think it would be much easier to just…’go for it’ if I knew more specifically what ‘it’ was.

Sure, art. But….what kind? I can’t exactly just market myself as ‘somebody who makes things hopefully other people find interesting’, now can I?

I could do photography. But what kind of photography? Portraits? Landscapes? Product?

I could write. But write what? Fiction novels? Journalism? Biographies? Songs?

I could make jewelry. I could paint. Could learn sculpting. I could be a tattoo artist. An artist for children’s books. A designer of some sort.

My main issue is that I like so many things and I flit back and forth between so many, that I’d have to seriously pick something and work my ass off on it – since I really don’t have natural talent that would get me anywhere by itself. Which I’m okay with: I’d be fine with working and learning if it was something I liked and/or cared about. I just have no idea what to pick, is the problem.

Now, skittering back up to the beginning of this post..”…there’s just a few things that make me a certain KIND of happy.”

So, art. Check.
The rest of my list? It would be convenient if, when asked what made me happy, I could say something like “Making people healthy!” or “Teaching!” or “Learning about velociraptors!”

But noo.

My list of real happy-makers boil down to about 4 things [In no particular order]:

  • Art
  • My boyfriend
  • Concerts
  • Places. Generally, it seems, on or near the water. The coast. [I’m in Florida and I haven’t been too many places. So….The Keys, St. Petersburg, Naples…..all cool places. To me, in that order.]

See my dilemma?

I can’t rightfully make much of a living out of 3/4 out of those. [Considering I don’t see myself as a porn star, hobo begging for change as long as I live in a cool town, or….whatever might include being a mindless fan in a crowd at a show. Unless you count entertainment journalism. Which I’ve always liked.]

So if I were to do something I like, it sorta comes down to that first one. Art.

And it’s such a huge thing in itself.

You need to have insane luck, insane talent, or be insanely….insane, to cut it. And even one or two of those isn’t enough sometimes.

And how do you know if you even have the potential for something like that so it would be worth bothering?

Sure, people might tell you. But I don’t trust people.

I love my friends, my family….but hearing “Hey that looks cool!” or the like from anyone I’m close to just sort of makes me think “Aw. Thanks for being nice, guys.” It’s not that I don’t trust the opinions of those close to me, I just can’t in my own head rationalize anything I do being anything above ‘minimally decent’, so anyone else saying otherwise doesn’t really penetrate the ‘ol noggin.

And yes, I understand I could do more than one thing. Look at all those singers who wind up as movie stars and clothing designers, right? But I think you have to kind of get a foot in the door with one thing, first.


I’m going to wind up working at Wal-Mart.



About TheChaoticCloset

I'm pretty much your average 19 year old girl. I'm kind of rabidly into anything artsy [well. I adore most anything in the realm of 'art'. Doesn't mean I'm good at it all.] including fashion. After becoming sort of obsessed with, I decided to create this. It'll probably mostly just be a giant, chaotic mess of all my little projects, loves, wants, obsessions and some random things I find along the way. Enjoy - or don't; Really, it's up to you.
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