I’ve found I’m not really good at opening up to people.
Maybe that’s not quite the right word choice.
I have no problem talking to people. I’m not shy, not secretive, no real trust issues.
I’m just bad at letting people listen, even when they insist it’s okay.
I wind up either droning on and babbling in circles until they give up and ignore it, or I make myself zip it early because I feel bad for being a bother.
It’s really kind of backwards: Either I’m just silently bummed about something, or I’m bummed because I’m bugging someone with my bullshit, crybaby nonsense.
Really, my brain is like that of most guys in that I suck at articulating ‘feelings’. But then, it’s simultaneously girly in that said feelings don’t just go away. My head is kind of chaotic, it seems.
Usually I’m at least decent at faking good moods even if my brain is giving me hell about something, but then there are times I’m not. And I hate liars and lying, so I can’t just say I’m fine when I’m not, especially when whoever I’m around knows me well enough to know I’m not.
So you’d think I’d write out whatever bugs me, if I don’t want to bother friends with it. But nooo. I generally refrain from posting anything even here because, while none of my friends really check it or know about it…..don’t want to worry anyone who does. Not that I would, but my friends are generally cool, and would bother checking on me.
Alternately, I hate feeling like I’m whining, so I don’t make myself write anything.
Which is what I’m doing now.
So naturally now I’m mad at myself and want to delete this whole thing, but then I just typed it all for nothing, didn’t I?
Chaos, man. Pure chaos.